Sunday, 20 July 2014

Human Interactions: Kids and Conflict Resolution Part 3

“Pops don’t want to give my stone back” cries Monkey.

Does the stone actually belong to Pops?

Was Monkey lying?

If yes, why would she lie?

Or was she confused?

Or do both think the stone is theirs?

Could be Monkey is selfish and not wanting to share stones.

Did she give it to her and now wants it back, and Pops hid the stone?

Why did Monkey not force Pops to give it?

Did they fight?

Monkey is crying.

Is it because she is physically hurt?

If one assumes that the statement is true and she actually did take the stone, then it could be Pops is physically stronger.

Perhaps the stone was out of reach of Monkey at the time?

If Monkey was stronger she might have forcefully tried to get stone back.

Perhaps she did try to get it back, but could not.

Monkey's cry is like a call for help, which might also show she hopes or she knows help will come.

Who is older?

“Pops, why don’t you give her stone back?” P. Bear asks.

Did P. Bear see what happened?

Does he already assume it’s true that Pops now has the stone?

Monkey certainly seems to have cried for help to P. Bear. Means she believes P. Bear has authority over pops and maybe even her and might provide justice. 

Seems that in a conflict situation the parties involved will at times have to resort to a common agreed upon authority.

Does P.Bear know his kids and trust they don’t lie.

Or is it a good to assume people are honest and in this way getting more honesty out of many unknowns. 

“She smiled when I got hurt and did not say sorry.” replies Pops.

So Pops does have the stone and certainly does not deny that it is not her stone and clearly does not want to return it.

Is she hiding it or is she physically preventing Monkey from getting the stone? 

She feels she deserve the stone now that she was mentally hurt by Monkey? 

“Why must I say sorry? I did not hurt her?” smirks Monkey.

A very legitimate reply. To her it looked funny.

Also seems, if Pops was hurt she would not have reacted this way.

“If she broke her arm would you smile? Wont you then say that you sorry that she broke her arm?” P. Bear asks.

“Yes, but she only tripped. It did not look like she got hurt and it looked funny, so I smiled” Says Monkey.

“To you it might look like she did not get hurt, but if she says she got hurt and clearly she is upset, then why would you not want to sympathise with your sister, who you clearly love to play with?” says P. Bear.

Very important to take note of the others feelings, especially if it is one you like to play with, else she won’t play with you anymore.

“Because she took my stone.” says Monkey.

Listening to both sides is crucial in getting all involved. It makes all feel important and that their issues were acknowledged.

“Pops, maybe you should have told her you got hurt when she smiled and would have liked her to show some sympathy when you tripped, instead of taking her stone.”

Both parties always should learn from the experience and learn to voice their feelings more clearly and create instances where both feel they are listened to.

“Monkey, I suggest, now that you know she was hurt, to say sorry and I am sure Pops will give the stone back. Then go and play a new game together, it is nice and cool outside now.”

Lastly P. Bear is an authority figure to both in this interaction and suggests a way to build a new relationship by playing a new game after they have apologized and made up.

Also its is important to note that P. Bear did not say go and play with other kids. 

It was important to him that they make new fond memories, while the conflict was fresh. 

Sometimes kids have many friends and if a conflict result they just stop being friends with a particular one and go the next.

In a family this habit is mostly stopped and kids learn to deal with conflict and in most case reconcile. This is needed for adult life and could be easier to learn in a family situation. 

Humans are selfish in that they will mostly do what is easier for them and at times at the expense of others.

Many times we think its easy just to avoid people and find other friends. However, the chance of having the same conflict is high if you never learn how to deal with the conflict you ran away from. 

In some cases people have more options, so can get away with avoiding conflict, but sooner or later the options run out.

In this interaction playing, conflict, negotiation, reconciling then playing again took place.

Two sisters were playing together and one slipped and the other thought it was funny. The one who slipped then felt hurt and took a stone form the other. Instance justice she thought.

Family gives us opportunity to be humane. That is we can learn to forgive and be tolerant in a so-called caring environment. Once we are adults it is what is needed to remain humane, since humans are by nature driven by survival which is a selfish act.

People many a times, act out of need for themselves, but one can learn to be humane, set aside your own need and become selfless, that is, the need of the other is easier to learn while in a family structure.

If you can not be nice to your own family, you mostly likely wont be nice to strangers, that is why its vital to learn how to be nice to others when you are still young and protected in a closed environment.
Why be nice only because we need something. To be humane is to be nice because we want the other to be happy.

As kids we learn to play again, even though feelings were hurt and even if it might have been possible to play with another person. 

Many adults find this hard to do when hurt. The prefer to avoid, or fight or just go to another friend. And in some cases start wars.

In family we are forced to reconcile since, in most cases parents are the authority and enforce this. 

In this way kids learn to handle conflict and make the bonds stronger.

That is, most interactions in the family can become hope energy building.

Let’s look at Forgive and Reconciliation.

To forgive is not to want anything back or take anything in return for something negative that was done to you or taken from you.

To forgive does not mean to reconcile. 

People in many places mix this up. 

I think that it is possible to reconcile without forgiveness when following the eye for eye rule.

That is, when Pops took the stone, she could have given Monkey another stone back of equal value. 

Or to reconcile one has to forgive, meaning Monkey said Pops can keep the stone.

To repent thereafter and reform is a more important, else the reconciliation might fail. 

That is, the parties doing wrong will not have learnt and will probably do the wrong things again, causing yet another break or reason to be forgiven and setting the dispute in motion again.

To repent is to admit what you did wrong.

If not forgiven, the wrong one could also to do penance or accept a similar wrong action that was done. 

The behaviour then has to be corrected or reformed before things can go forward. 

To reform means not to do the bad thing again or put in another way, to now do other good things to set a positive trend.

E.g. Ramzi hits Adam.

Ramzi says sorry but, Adam doesn’t want to forgive. Thus, before ramzi and Adam can play again Adam hits Ramzi in the same way. After this they play again, since Ramzi says she will try not to hit again.


Adam can forgive Ramzi and just play again without Ramzi even knowing she did wrong. In this case Ramzi most likely might hit Adam again because she does not know better. If Adam just fights back without Ramzi seeing she did wrong it will just end in a bigger fight.


Adam can accept Ramzi’s apology and play again, this way teaching Ramzi that at times one don’t need payback.

However, for playing to continue after wrong event/s both parties have to see where and what they did wrong else the conflicts might resume in a short time.

That is, Ramzi and Adam have to know where the boundaries lay and how to react and what to do to continue playing together after one or both have been wronged, without this it could be difficult play together without fighting and in the end there might be a break up.


1 comment:

  1. You drop quite a few senseful sentences in here. Being raised correctly as a kid brings multiple benefits in adult life. I 100% respect your job as a father, not least you're doing 100% better than I do (I have no kids) and I hope that all the rational lessons you're teaching your kiddies will be fruitful in the future.


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