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Tuesday, 16 December 2014

chat saying good bye to a brother


After I heard my brother, who is 6 years older has cancer, I contacted him.

He refused any contact with me since 2001. 

Besides the two arguments when we met after my mom died and before my dad died. 

In the chat it looks like he has no interest in reconciliation. His hatred must be deep. 

One day it would be nice to hear from him why.


Even though my mom told me a few days before she died, about my 2 brothers who now have cancer, to leave them and when they die you have missed nothing, since one cannot get blood from a stone, I again tried to make contact.

It is of course disappointing, however in time I will be ok again.

Here is the chat . 


[14/12/2014 09:07] ME: I hear you sick. Goodluck with recovery
[14/12/2014 09:07] Mellowman: Thanks
[14/12/2014 09:07] ME: P. Bear
[14/12/2014 09:12] ME: Lung cancer. From smoking?
[14/12/2014 09:12] Mellowman: Breast cancer.
[14/12/2014 09:14] ME: Men have breasts?
[14/12/2014 09:14] ME: How you get it?
[14/12/2014 09:14] Mellowman: Dnt know
[14/12/2014 09:15] ME: Does it hurt?
[14/12/2014 09:24] Mellowman: No
[14/12/2014 09:26] ME: How did u notice? did u have tenderness?
[14/12/2014 09:28] Mellowman: Yes
[14/12/2014 09:28] ME: Is breast cancer around nipple?
[14/12/2014 09:32] ME: Only one side?
[14/12/2014 09:34] Mellowman: Yes
[14/12/2014 09:37] ME: The op done?
[14/12/2014 09:59] Mellowman: 19jan
[14/12/2014 10:13] ME: U on.sick.leave
[14/12/2014 10:52] Mellowman: Yes
[14/12/2014 12:14] ME: Hospital?
[14/12/2014 12:14] Mellowman: No
[14/12/2014 12:28] ME: Is a crap situation, how are the kids dealing with it.
[14/12/2014 16:58] ME: Is a crap situation, how are the kids dealing with it.
[15/12/2014 06:19] ME: U still have appetite?
[15/12/2014 06:20] Mellowman: Yes. Stil sleeping
[15/12/2014 06:24] ME: What time fajr?
[15/12/2014 08:51] ME: Family cancer syndromes - when should I worry?

When many cases of cancer occur in a family, it is most often due to chance or because family members have been exposed to a common toxin, such as cigarette smoking. Less often, these cancers may be caused by an inherited gene mutation causing a family cancer syndrome. Certain things make it more likely cancers in a family are caused by a family cancer syndrome, such as

    Many cases of an uncommon or rare type of cancer (like kidney cancer).
    Cancers occurring at younger ages than usual (like colon cancer in a 20 year old)
    More than one type of cancer in a single person (like a woman with both breast and ovarian cancer)
    Cancers occurring in both of a pair of organs (both eyes, both kidneys, both breasts)
    More than one childhood cancer in a set of siblings (like sarcoma in both a brother and a sister)
    Cancer occurring in the sex not usually affected (like breast cancer in a man)

[15/12/2014 08:54] ME: Two.my brothers have cancer. I am.now worried. i think u dont care, about me. But I ask.u now to.please tell me the symptoms. I already made doc.appointment. i appeal to.ur human side and please help me either prevent or get early diagnosis
[15/12/2014 09:38] Mellowman: Small lump in breast tissue thats all
[15/12/2014 10:06] ME: Around my nipple is bumpy
[15/12/2014 10:07] ME: I c doc soon. Should i worry
[15/12/2014 10:08] Mellowman: If it is a lump under the skin then worry
[15/12/2014 10:30] ME: Yes Under
[15/12/2014 10:30] ME: But Cant say if i.always had that since puberty
[15/12/2014 10:36] ME: Can u send pic of your bumpy area
[15/12/2014 10:38] ME: Is your lump.hard?
[15/12/2014 10:39] Mellowman: Driving be back soon
[15/12/2014 11:01] ME: Ok
[15/12/2014 16:03] ME: Is your lump.hard?
[15/12/2014 16:03] Mellowman: No it is soft!
[15/12/2014 16:03] Mellowman: Hehe
[15/12/2014 16:06] ME: Round?
[15/12/2014 16:06] ME: Or like squashed egg shape
[15/12/2014 16:07] ME: Yip that could found funny
[15/12/2014 16:10] ME: Does it feel like Swollen muscle? around nipple
[15/12/2014 16:14] ME: Yip that could sound funny
[15/12/2014 17:53] ME: Is a crap situation, how are the kids dealing with it.
[15/12/2014 17:53] Mellowman: They doing ok. I think. Irregular shaped. Almost oval
[16/12/2014 07:02] ME: good if kids r ok. Do u feel weak? nausea any other symptoms?
[16/12/2014 07:21] Mellowman: No symptoms. Feel healthy
[16/12/2014 07:29] ME: Do u still smoke? do u stress alot?
[16/12/2014 07:29] Mellowman: No stress
[16/12/2014 07:48] ME: Did they check if its a.gene disorder. Since breast cancer men is rare
[16/12/2014 08:01] Mellowman: No
[16/12/2014 08:11] ME: R u worried
[16/12/2014 08:27] Mellowman: Yes but not much
[16/12/2014 08:30] ME: When did u stop smoking
[16/12/2014 08:30] Mellowman: I dnt
[16/12/2014 08:31] Mellowman: Good
[16/12/2014 08:31] ME: I have a few good memories of you.
[16/12/2014 08:32] ME: 1St. How you told me about the universe as a kid
[16/12/2014 08:33] Mellowman: Ok
[16/12/2014 08:33] ME: 2nd. How u feared no insects and spiders
[16/12/2014 08:34] Mellowman: Ok
[16/12/2014 08:34] ME: 3 u got me interested in mysteries like von Daniken
[16/12/2014 08:34] ME: 4 LOVED how u told stories
[16/12/2014 08:35] ME: 5 U helped me write essay for school
[16/12/2014 08:35] ME: 6 Protected me from linky, the bully
[16/12/2014 08:36] ME: 7 I loved the swellendam hike with you
[16/12/2014 08:37] ME: 8 I still tell my kids how u caught crayfish with your hands. And i was so scared
[16/12/2014 08:38] Mellowman: Ok
[16/12/2014 08:38] ME: 9 Liked how you could kick me under the bed when i was 17
[16/12/2014 08:38] ME: 10 You had amazing control as a teacher. I.was proud
[16/12/2014 08:39] ME: 11. Was so amazing when you bought that new car. Put our family on the market
[16/12/2014 08:40] ME: I want to thank you for those memories. Will always treasure them.
[16/12/2014 08:41] ME: I am happy you gave me this chance now. THANK YOU
[16/12/2014 08:41] Mellowman: Ok

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

A good social system

A good social insurance system should ensure that the minority, who are in need in a society, is also properly cared for.

We are supposed to be humane and not animals, who discard their weak animals in survival of the fittest.

However, in some organised societies, the social insurance system is a tool used to stream line the minority, such that the overall system, voted into power by the majority in democracy, maintains steady financial growth, by ensuring that they optimally utilise even the minority efficiently, who are in this case the sick, disabled or needy people, and do it so professionally, by hiding it with countless procedures, that the majority find it tough to realise, that the social system is caring for the weak, in the same way a horse owner will care for his sick race horse, to get the maximum financial benefit out of racing the horse until it's mortally crippled.

So, how does the social system operate in your country?

A quote from a person in the Asia:

 "In this part of Asia, people believe more in themselves rather than a collective system, so we pay far less tax and try to save for the bad days as apposed to the western world. With that in mind most of welfare is just to keep one barely alive, so consider yourself lucky if you are in the west ... it can be worse here"

It is better to save for your self, than to be conned by a system that takes years of payments and gives you nothing when something happens, because they have perfect procedures that guarantees no payout, emphasis on the take, because there is no option, you have to pay it.

In my working life I could have saved a fortune with all those forced social insurance payments I made, enough to survive now, but now I am forced to beg for what I was insured for and treated like a criminal.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

The Evil Ones


It is so easy to see the evil of murderer or a molester.

Or it is easy to see the damage done by certain thugs who kill each other and destroy the lives of many for a piece of the drug bounty.

Then, when we catch them, we lock them up or punish them.

These definite crimes, that are so clear to judge.

But what of those criminals who make the laws and disguise them so well?

But yet those who are manipulated and abused by them, experience their evil.

Big corporations, governments and insurances, who hide behind their own systems.

Yes, they select their own doctors, lawyers, have a variety of service providers who assist them to keep the power and the money to themselves and fool the populations into thinking they have voted for a just system.

They were Selected by the people.

Who will punish them for destroying so many lives?

They are the real evil of the world.

Those evil folk are known by those who experience their evil, but cannot prove anything to the masses who could make a difference.

The evil ones know how to hide and show beautiful faces.

They are like beautiful women with soiled panties.

All fake and spreaders of evil disease, but still many choose to follow and to be like those beautifully faked appearances.

My mother said, they will eventually hang themselves, but in the meantime what of all the people who are suffering abuse. 

Who suffer alone, while the masses follow their selected governments in blind happiness?

Well that is the way of the human; we group and rejoice as long as we are not the minority being abused.

Tomorrow we hope for a piece of bread.

We look forward and we hope the sun will rise on the masses, so they see the evil and perhaps those abused might in the future sleep with a full contented belly.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Propoganda

For every good folk there is an enemy, inspiring delusion amongst each other with decorative speech. The hearts of those who are evil will incline toward this speech and they will feel satisfied committing atrocities while believing they are reformers.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

New thought 2

Some can think to make a living and others received things to make a living.

None is better than the other, but those who think they are better are fraught with ignorance and cause destruction beyond what their instinct can perceive and remain filled with blissful righteousness.

New Thought

A special gratitude to all those who think and do more than what is instinct.

Friday, 31 October 2014

Moving to social anxiety



We plan to move to place where I might have to meet more people socially.

This gives me anxiety, not that I fear people, it’s more that I don’tunderstand them and tend to make them feel uncomfortable in my attempts to understand what they are doing and why. 

The result is that both parties end up frustrated and the people leave feeling drained and uncomfortable to put it mildly.

Where I now live I seldom meet people socially in real life, besides in my sports training. 

I seldom need more social interaction with people. Hence, I meet people once on a good year socially, but mostly less. This includes all family contact as well with parents, siblings in-laws etc.

I am satisfied with with being social with my wife, kids, sports and training. 

However now that we might move to an area with more possible social contact, I start to get anxious, especially since this morning I again had a chat on the web with a person and could not understand their logic.

I at times chat with people on the net. This I prefer, since I see it as an extension on my mind, where I can bounce my ideas off other people without the need to interact or make as if I am listening in the present. I tend to drift when people share events with me and with chatting I can read when want and reply when I want.

This morning’s chat went like this.

A woman complains to me that her mother in-law treated her badly. 

I ask, “what did your mom in-law do that make you say this.”

She says, “She just disliked that I took her son away and made my life a living hell.”

So I ask, “How did she make it a living hell.”

She says, “She is dead now and wants her soul to rest in peace so wants to leave the past in the past.”

I say, “If you wanted her soul to rest in peace why complain about the past and bad mouth her that she made your life hell? This is in itself is bad mouthing, since you refuse to give an example to justify your case.”

The woman did not respond and I could sense the uncomfortable vibes even over the internet.

Yet again I did not understand the logic. Does she expect me to believe that her mom in-law was a monster just based on her word without giving an example and why complain to me anyway? 

Was she just looking for someone to nag with and bad mouth another person? 

To me this makes no sense since I can’t judge who was the monster and just wanted more info and she did not want to share. 

So why start complaining to me anyway?

I will have to ask my wife to explain. Since as soon as I will be interacting with people in our new 
place of living, many of these disagreements will be happening, since mostly I do not understand the logic of most people and I can’t always have my wife explaining why they did what they did.

Monday, 20 October 2014

Law makers.

Who will fight the battle against the law makers?

Their decisions are governed by the law.

They do their own tests.

They train their own inspectors.

And when the result does not suit them, they rewrite the laws.

Friday, 12 September 2014

Dreams we Live. Part 2: Time Options.




From the sleep dream, to the wake dream.

In the early morning hours, when I try to fall asleep, the dreams I just had can easily absorb my thoughts.

The main theme I dreamt of now was;

 “How can I go back to the past in my young body and still make sure I meet my kids in the future.”

Where would I jump back to?

Should I go back to when I was 4 and had the accident? That certainly is something that disturbed my life for many years. It did have some good effects, in that it drove me to prove I was  more worthy than others without my injury.

Or should I go back to when Lana was 13 and prevent her accident. Then save her again at 15 and return at 18 before she meets her first romance. I would be 25 and prepared for her and would know how to win her heart.

But will we be able to produce the 3 kids we now have?

At 36 I will prevent my next accident and will make sure I don’t get sick, since I now know movement will work to prevent my ailment.

Perhaps I would make new kids and we will be happy and financially secure with the money I would make from investments.

No, I would miss my kids too much; I don’t miss the kids I never had. What would wealth, health fitness, happiness of new kids be without my girls. The memories of them will never be able to be filled or removed.

My Mongkey, Pops and Queeny. That is my adventure, they are most important and they are here, I have them now. 

So what are the options even if now the insurance company will refuse to pay my claim and we lose all our possessions? 

Then again, only a minute amount of kids have parents who make enough money to ensure that their kids never need to work for a living.

What percentage of those are living lives they feel satisfied with?

Many super rich children grow up unhappy with the world and have no goals to live for.

What kind of a life is that to have?

Do I wish that on my children?

It’s probably easier to find a cause in life if you have to find your own basics to survive. Hence, it is probably better for kids not to have endless wealth to live in, but to build a house and grow their own food.

Also it’s probably tougher to find a good partner if you have much wealth or are to famous

What would all that I have now matter?

I fear losing our house, clothes, TVs, possessions etc.

In 15 years all my children will be adults and what will these possessions we have now matter?

Would they miss the car they had 15 years ago when they can then buy their own cars?
I can guarantee, that I most likely will not make enough money to secure their lives financially, such that, they would never need to work even if I get to keep all the possessions I now have.

So there should be no concern about loosing the possessions we now have, since its only a means now to get to a future, a future we will anyway have.

So if go back to 2005 when Mongkey, my baby, was born ensuring I have the kids I now have, prevent my accident and set myself on a path to being healthy, I would most like be a working dad and see my children less than I see them now. This precious gift I have received would be gone.

To be an unhappy stay at home dad, angry at the insurance companies for stealing my money will only harm my children. They mean the most to me and I can be with them so much now in my sick state.

So let adventure start now. The possessions lost won’t matter even if it is an injustice.

Injustice drives revenge, revenge mostly does not remove the feeling of being wronged.

What can remove this feeling?

Perhaps knowing that I made the best choices I could and still having a life that I am satisfied with.

And what is a satisfactory life for me?

A life with my Governor and loving wife Lana, our three warrior souls and daily battling and surviving the challenges of life.

The adventure is what I have now, just as it is.

My girls asked “when do we get the answer from the insurance”. “I don’t know, but whatever it is, we will have a good adventure and strive together, and prepare you, to make your own adventure with your lives”.

The Only attachment, for me, that is  worth holding onto, are my children, and only until they can hold onto themselves.


Part 1

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